When Your Child is Hurting: A Compassionate Guide to Understanding and Responding to Self-Harm
Discovering that your child is self-harming can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. You may feel unsure of what to say or how to help, but you’re not alone—there are steps you can take to support your child through this.
You play a key role in preventing self-harm and helping your child express emotions in healthier ways. This article will walk you through what to do—and what to avoid—if your kid is self-harming, including how to start the conversation, when to seek professional help, and ways to create a supportive environment that promotes healing.
Understanding why kids self-harm
Self-harm is a growing public health concern. According to the American Psychological Association, about 17% of American teenagers engage in self-harming behavior at least once.
When a child is self-harming, it can be confusing and heartbreaking for the adults in their life. Self-harm happens when someone deliberately hurts themselves as a way to cope when they feel hurt, stressed, or overwhelmed. It can take many forms, including cutting, burning, scratching, hitting, or pulling out hair. While it may seem shocking, for some kids, self-harm feels like the only way to release or express intense pain.
It’s important to know that many kids who engage in self-harming behavior aren’t necessarily trying to end their lives. Instead, they may use physical pain to distract from mental pain, to feel something when they feel numb, or to release feelings they can’t put into words. However, self-harm does increase the risk of suicidal behavior over time, so it’s something that should be taken very seriously. Early support and intervention can make a huge difference if your kid is self-harming.
The rise of self-harm in kids and teens
Self-harm among children and teens has been rising in recent years, making it a growing public health concern. Research suggests that teen girls, LGBTQIA+ youth, and children with anxiety or depression are at a higher risk, but self-harm can affect any child, regardless of background.
The reasons behind a child’s self-harming aren’t always clear, but higher levels of stress, social pressures, and mental health struggles may be contributing factors. With mental health challenges among young people on the rise, it’s more important than ever to be informed and proactive in supporting them.
Why would a child hurt themselves?
There isn’t one single reason why self-harm occurs—every child is different, and their struggles are personal. However, some common psychological reasons often play a role. Many kids who self-harm are dealing with mental health challenges, and when they don’t have healthy ways to cope, self-harm can become a temporary escape from overwhelming emotions.
For some, self-harm is a way to express feelings they can’t put into words. If children struggle to communicate their feelings or don’t fully understand what’s going on inside them, hurting themselves can feel like a way to make emotional pain tangible. Stress from school, friendships, family issues, or high expectations can also push a child towards self-harming behavior, especially if they already feel overwhelmed.
Experiencing bullying, trauma, or loneliness can also increase the risk of self-harm. Kids who have been through abuse, neglect, or social isolation may use self-harm as a way to regain a sense of control or numb their mental pain. When a kid is self-harming, it’s often a sign that they need extra support and healthier ways to manage their emotions.
Who is at risk of self-harm?
Self-harm can affect anyone, regardless of background, personality, or family life. While it’s true that some groups of young people are at higher risk, it’s important to remember that mental health issues don’t discriminate. Kids who seem happy, successful, or well-adjusted on the outside may still struggle silently.
Research shows that teens and preteens experiencing anxiety, depression, or low self-worth are more likely to engage in self-harming behaviors. Those who find it hard to cope with stress or who have trouble expressing their thoughts in healthy ways may turn to self-injury as a release or distraction.
Certain populations face even higher risks. Young people who identify as LGBTQIA+ often experience discrimination, bullying, or rejection from peers and communities, which can significantly increase their vulnerability. In fact, studies consistently show that LGBTQIA+ youth report higher rates of self-harm compared to their peers.
Kids who have experienced trauma—such as abuse, neglect, or the loss of a loved one—may also be more at risk. A history of being bullied, socially isolated, or dealing with academic pressure can add to the burden and push some toward harmful coping mechanisms.
Additionally, those with neurodevelopmental conditions like ADHD or autism spectrum disorder may face unique challenges that contribute to frustration, stress, and difficulty self-regulating. Without adequate support, they may be more prone to behaviors like self-injury.
It’s essential for adults in a child’s life—teachers, caregivers, counselors, coaches, and trusted mentors—to understand that self-harm isn’t just a phase or attention-seeking behavior. It’s a sign that a young person is struggling and needs support. Being aware of who might be at higher risk can help ensure that those in need are seen, heard, and guided toward the help they deserve.
Signs that your child might be self-harming
Self-harm isn’t always obvious, and many kids go to great lengths to hide it. While it can be difficult to tell if your child is hurting themselves, there are some physical and behavioral signs that might indicate something is wrong. If you’ve noticed changes in your child that concern you, trust your instincts and look for the following warning signs.
Physical signs
One of the most noticeable signs of self-harm is unexplained injuries. These might include:
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Cuts, burns, bruises, or scratches on the arms, legs, stomach, or other areas of the body.
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Scars that appear in patterns or clusters, especially in places that are easily hidden by clothing.
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Frequent bandages or excuses about “accidents” that don’t quite add up.
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Bloodstains on clothing, tissues, or bedding that don’t have an obvious explanation.
Since kids who self-harm often try to hide their injuries, they might injure areas that aren’t easily visible, like their upper thighs or stomach.
Behavioral signs
Kids who self-harm often change their habits in ways that might seem small at first but become more noticeable over time. Some common behavioral changes include:
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Wearing long sleeves or pants in warm weather, even when it doesn’t make sense.
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Avoiding activities they used to enjoy, especially ones that involve changing clothes (like swimming or sports).
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Spending more time alone and locking their bedroom or bathroom doors more often.
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Carrying sharp objects (like razors or broken glass) in their belongings.
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Becoming defensive or dismissive when asked about injuries.
If your child suddenly seems more withdrawn or secretive, it might be worth checking in to see if something deeper is happening.
Emotional signs
Self-harm is often linked to underlying mental health struggles, so it’s important to pay attention to shifts in mood and emotions. Some red flags include:
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Increased anxiety, sadness, or mood swings.
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Outbursts of anger or frustration, sometimes directed at themselves.
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Difficulty handling stress or expressing themselves in healthy ways.
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Talking negatively about themselves, saying they feel “worthless” or “hopeless.”
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Seeming numb or disconnected, or dissociated.
While some kids openly express their distress, others may become quiet and distant, making it harder for adults to spot the problem.
Don’t ignore your gut feeling if you’ve noticed some of these signs and something feels off. You know your child better than anyone; even small behavioral changes can signal deeper struggles. The next step is having a conversation—one that is calm, compassionate, and free of judgment—so they feel safe opening up.
What to do if your kid is self-harming
If you’ve discovered that your child is self-harming, it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, scared, or even guilty. But the most important thing you can do is stay calm and supportive. Reacting with anger or punishment may only make your child withdraw and hide their behavior. Instead, take a deep breath and approach the situation with understanding—your child needs to know that they can trust you and that you’re there to help.
The next step is to start a compassionate conversation. Choose a private moment and use nonjudgmental language, like, “I’ve noticed some marks on your arms. I’m not here to judge—I just want to understand and support you.” Let them talk at their own pace, without pressure. Your goal isn’t to fix everything immediately—to show them that you care and are ready to listen.
Seeking professional help is crucial. A therapist who specializes in self-harm and adolescent mental health can help your child develop healthier coping strategies. Therapy isn’t just about stopping the behavior—it’s about understanding why it’s happening and finding better ways to manage emotions. Pacific Health Group offers teen therapy and parent-teen therapy, providing essential tools and support.
You can also take practical steps to reduce access to harmful objects like razors, scissors, and knives. Encourage safer coping alternatives such as squeezing a stress ball, holding an ice cube, or drawing on their skin. While these won’t solve the deeper struggles, they can help your kid manage urges in a less harmful way.
Finally, focus on long-term mental well-being by encouraging healthy coping mechanisms. Creative outlets like journaling, music, art, and physical activities like yoga or exercise can help a kid who is self-harming express themselves in a healthier way.
What NOT to do if your child self-harms
Finding out that your child is self-harming can be scary, but how you react matters. It may be tempting to ignore it, or assume they will grow out of the behavior, but it’s crucial that the situation be addressed because it’s a sign that your child is struggling with emotional pain and needs support.
It’s also important to avoid punishing or shaming your child. Saying things like, “You need to stop this now” or “Why would you do this to yourself?” can make them feel uncomfortable and push them further into secrecy. Instead, focus on understanding their feelings. Try saying, “I know you’re struggling and want to help.” Creating a safe space for them to talk will make it easier for them to come to you for support.
While self-harm is alarming, overreacting or panicking can do more harm than good. Responding with fear, anger, or extreme worry can make your child shut down and avoid talking to you altogether. Instead, stay calm, empathetic, and focused on finding solutions. Your child needs to know you’re someone they can trust, not someone who will react unpredictably.
At the same time, don’t force them to talk if they aren’t ready. Some kids need time to process their feelings and may not open up right away. Let them know that you’re available whenever they feel comfortable talking. The more patient and supportive you are, the more likely they are to trust you when they’re ready.
Finally, don’t assume therapy isn’t necessary. Even if your child insists they’re okay, therapy can help them develop healthier coping mechanisms and better understand their emotions. A mental health professional can provide guidance, coping strategies, and support, which can be life-changing. Seeking help early can make a huge difference in their healing journey.
Preventing self-harm while supporting your child’s mental health
One of the most critical steps in preventing self-harm is creating an environment where your child feels safe, supported, and heard. Open communication is key—let your child know their pain is valid, and they can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment. Daily check-ins about their day, stressors, and feelings can make it easier for them to open up when they’re struggling. The more they feel comfortable expressing their emotions, the less likely they are to turn to self-harm as a coping mechanism.
Beyond the home, a supportive school and social environment play a huge role in a child’s well-being. Work with teachers, counselors, and coaches to ensure your child can access mental health resources at school. Encourage them to build positive friendships and surround themselves with peers who uplift and support them. Social connections can make a big difference in reducing feelings of isolation that often contribute to self-harming behavior.
Family therapy can also strengthen communication and ensure your child knows they don’t have to face their struggles alone. If you suspect your kid is self-harming, getting help early can make a huge difference in their journey to healing.
What about social media?
Technology plays a major role in the lives of young people, and it can influence mental health in both positive and negative ways. On one hand, certain online communities can provide connection and support. On the other hand, exposure to harmful content or cyberbullying can increase feelings of hopelessness.
Social media platforms are deeply embedded in the daily routines of most teens, shaping how they see themselves and others. While these platforms can be a source of creativity, friendship, and inspiration, they also expose users to unrealistic standards, constant comparisons, and unfiltered content that can be harmful—especially for those already struggling.
Teens who spend extended time online may come across posts, videos, or forums that portray violent or self-harming behaviors in a way that makes them seem normal or even glamorized. Repeated exposure to this type of content can desensitize young viewers or lead them to believe that self-injury is a common or acceptable way to cope.
Online bullying is another serious risk factor. Harassment, exclusion, or negative comments can deeply affect a teen’s sense of self-worth, especially when these messages are coming from peers. The pressure to present a perfect life online, combined with the fear of public criticism or being left out, can amplify stress and isolation.
Help kids build healthy digital habits by setting screen time limits, encouraging breaks from social media, and guiding them toward uplifting or educational content. It’s also important to talk about the risks of online spaces that normalize or even encourage self-harm.
Creating open lines of communication about technology use—and checking in regularly—can make a big difference. Helping teens navigate the digital world with awareness and boundaries gives them the tools to stay safe both online and offline.
Support for you and your child
Self-harm is a complex and deeply personal struggle, but with the right support, kids can heal. Your patience, understanding, and willingness to seek help can make all the difference in your child’s journey toward better mental health. Creating a safe, open environment where they feel comfortable expressing themselves is key, but you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Pacific Health Group offers specialized teen therapy to help young people manage mental health struggles and prevent self-harm. They also provide family therapy, which gives families the tools they need to communicate better and work through challenges together. Their wide range of behavioral health and mental health services ensures your child gets the professional care they deserve.
If your child is self-harming or struggling with their mental health, don’t wait—contact Pacific Health Group today to schedule an appointment and start building a path toward healing and support. Call us at 1-877-811-1217 or visit www.mypacifichealth.com.
